A common theme in counseling these days is learning to not take responsibility for other’s emotions. I think we often believe that we are actually supposed to try to keep everyone around us happy, and that we are failing if we don’t. We blame their anger, sadness or disappointment on ourselves, thinking that if we had just gotten it right they wouldn’t be feeling this way. I know I struggle with this myself.
My friend Mike Wells used to say that no one makes you feel anything—you choose it. I didn’t like that statement at all, as I tended to blame my emotions on others quite readily. You can’t play the victim if you can’t blame your feelings on someone! Another way of saying it is that you can’t always control your circumstances, but you do have ownership and choice in how you react to them. I would say that this is only possible through life in Jesus, as it is fruit of the Spirit to have self-control. I pray for His fruit to be seen in me as I react to things that frustrate or annoy me, not allowing my initial reaction to be one of anger or lashing out.
As we allow His Life to work through us, we don’t have to stress about it. When we are squeezed, He comes out naturally and reacts in love. No one likes being squeezed or put out, but I can choose to look to Him for the reaction and allow my emotions to come in line with the truth. Yes, that’s an exercise, but I find that the more I focus on Him, the more consistently my emotions follow truth and don’t lead me to criticism, judgment, or lashing out at another who I want to believe caused my emotion.
The other side of this equation, though, is that you also can’t take responsibility for someone else’s reactions or emotions. My choices or words can never cause someone to get angry, sad or disappointed. They can choose to feel that way, but it is not mandatory. When I do take on the emotions of everyone around me, I start to spiral quickly into overwhelm and feelings of failure because I am trying to do something only God can do! I make a terrible god. Only through His power are we able to lead and guide emotions and reactions, not through my power in trying to bubble wrap people to keep them from feeling hard things.
When I try to take on other people’s emotions, I often end up getting in the way of what God is doing in their lives as well. I’m trying to prevent any discomfort, but sometimes that very discomfort is what God is working through in bringing them to Himself.
Having compassion and love for someone may look different depending on the circumstance. I find it interesting that Jesus loved everyone He encountered while walking the earth, but didn’t demonstrate it the same with every person. Some He healed immediately without even being physically in the same room, while others He asked if they wanted healing. Some He told to follow Him without any question, while others He told they must sell their possessions to follow Him. Some He spoke to gently in their pain, while others He rebuked. Only God knows the heart, and knows what people really need in that moment. That’s why I have to be connected to Him and asking Him what love looks like in the situation so that I can stay in step with Him.
When you feel yourself getting on someone’s emotional rollercoaster, stop and recognize it isn’t up to you to control their emotions. When you feel yourself blaming someone else for your emotions, stop and take the emotions and reactions to Jesus, allowing Him to lead them. He is the One who is God and can change our reactions and even the perspective of the situation. We get to be still and wait to see what He will do.
Surrender your anxiety. Be still and realize that I am God. I am God above all the nations, and I am exalted throughout the whole earth. Psalm 46:10