The sun rays beaming through my windows, birds flying seamlessly through the air in my view, bees dancing from one flower to the next - yet I struggle to believe there's a good God who loves me and destined for me to be here.
I have many - MUCH good things in my life…a husband who loves me, grown kids who respect me, parents who need me, friends who value me, a modest home to shelter me, a job that provides for me, yet I struggle to believe there's a God of order who planned for my days to be.
If I had the energy I once had to analyze this to death, I would say I don’t believe God loves me, but why?
Is it because I don’t like His methods and this becomes the block for me to trust Him? After all how do you trust a God you don’t believe loves you? Do I believe He has a fickle heart of a human being? With a heart that only loves you when you're doing good things for him?
Hannah speaks truth into my heart with “Imagine your relationship with God to be like the one you have with your granddaughter. You love her deeply without her even trying to get you to do so. This is how God feels about you Theresa.”
Is it just me that keeps getting in the way of myself? Or is it the lack of response and answers from an active and present God who seems to have forgotten my address?
Hannah tells me to QUIT pursuing God and let Him pursue me. This seems so risky to me. I’ve always pursued Him when I felt distance or uncertain. But this season, my WINTER, has been excruciatingly long, even in my pursuit, I feel there is nothing left for me to do but WAIT on Him. Waiting takes faith, and faith has left me disappointed, or so I think!
I open my bible for the first time in a long time. I read Isaiah 43:19 “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”
God speaks to my heart…
‘Theresa, there is a point you no longer see. There is a point where there are obstacles and there is nothing to do but wait on Me, look to Me, desire for Me to take hold of all control and guide you. Where I guide you, where I am with you, is not the place of ordinary. Let me give you new eyes to see so you don’t miss the possibilities around you that I see. Let me give you new eyes to see so you don’t get discouraged and mistake wonder, this winter season you’ve been in, for ordinary. Let me show you how what you think is just the mundane, this is an opportunity to be with me in a new way. You wouldn’t see this without the barren land, this winter season you’ve been traveling. You would never see the stars if the sun always shined. Embrace the mystery. This relationship we share is organic, not forced, no formulas, its unique for you and Me. Don’t think I will reprimand you for your unbelief.
When Jesus talked to Thomas, who doubted, he didn’t reprimand, he reassured him. This is how our relationship was designed to be. No shame, no condemnation, only love! Embrace the mystery, the place where answers are not obvious. I only ask you to trust me. Let the years speak against the minutes. Recall my presence in your life, the decisions you made because you believed Me. Just like you would never abandon your granddaughter when she needed you most, I would never and will never abandon you. Let your wilderness, your winter, be the respected teacher I meant for it to be. "
And when/if I doubt that these words I heard were really from God, through the love of Hannah and others, He affirms it again!
“The wilderness by design, disorients. As any wilderness trekker past or present will tell you, the wilderness has a way of facing the point, of bringing to the surface whatever fears, questions, and struggles hide within…
In the wilderness you, you find what you are made of and who your friends are. You are forced to leave behind all non essentials, to quiet yourself and listen…
All the good stuff happens in obscurity. Some of Scriptures most momentous events occur not at the start of the journey, nor at the destination, but in between, in the wilderness.” ~Rachel Held Evans
I can tell you today, that I am thankful for my wilderness, my WINTER, because now I can see the stars when the sun refuses to shine!